Finding Hope in the Dark

Little bit of Light

Five years after I designed my journals, in the middle of a pandemic, in a job I was literally itching to escape. We were in lockdown and I found that work was a lot better because of the change of environment. The great thing about lockdown was working from home. The change brought a better work environment, but with the work life boundaries blurred, the office hours increased.  I found myself watching COVID numbers and reading news daily, stress set in again and I decided to start eating better and exercising.

Though I had figured out a way around all the moving pieces in my life, I had this dread at the back of my head, what if I cannot make it to school? Then what? The school I applied to assured us that we could start processing our paperwork and I resigned from my job. Instead of hope, I had a huge mix of relief and fear.

Looming darkness

I had not realized how much my physical health was suffering until the doctor told me I needed surgery. The stress had exacerbated a pre-existing condition. The surgery was painful and recovery was hard. But I soldiered on, until I got the dreaded email from the university. Unfortunately, they postponed my course till the next year. I froze. My accountability partner encouraged me to not rescind my resignation but trust God for the next move. I was so confused and angry. I did not say anything to my company but decided to pray with my friend. She had taken the leap and left her job, and she was following her dreams. My biggest struggle was that I could not remember my dreams anymore.

After facing so much disappointment in my life, facing unemployment, picking myself up in creativity and pursuing several creative projects then going from place to place for jobs, I could not make heads or tails of my life anymore. After I got employed again, I believed I had finally landed on my feet. When that did not work out, I thought school was supposed to be a new start towards purpose, but now, that had been delayed. I felt like my world had crumbled, and I had no strength to get up.

Help to boost hope

I did not want to have another pity and confusion party. The time I had to make a decision was extremely limited. So, I started research. If I go out on my own would I have the bandwidth to withstand it? What would I do while I wait? As creative as I am, I could not come up with anything. Then one night two ideas popped up. Interestingly, they were things I had previously worked on, but the timing was not right. One of those things was the journals. It was as if God was reminding me of what He had already put in me all along. It was time to go back and dust off the dreams I had forgotten and upgrade them.

Though I had this renewed hope, I had to decide what to do next. As I was not able to pray by myself, my friend offered to fast and pray for me. She carried me in prayer through the toughest season of my life. This gave me the strength to pray as well and I felt I should leave the job, but not yet. I went and asked my manager to rescind my resignation and he agreed, and my mind started getting busy with ideas of how to resurrect my dreams. I would work my job all day, then work on my dreams after work, sometimes all night.

Resurrected Hope

Resurrecting something I had walked away from five years before, was not as easy as I thought. Of the three journals I designed, I had to choose one. There was one journal I had designed but never printed. That seemed to be the one that was calling the loudest to me. Why? Because it was a hope themed journal. I designed this journal at a time in my life that was so dark, and I was struggling to see any hope past where I was. Doors were closed all around me, so I had risen up to seek my own opportunities. I had no idea if anything would work out, but one verse stood out for me. That was lamentations 3 verse 24:

        I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!”

Lamentations 3:24

Hope in Him

When I had nothing left, after my whole world and all my dreams fell apart, I had God alone. On days when I struggled to see past the difficult empty days ahead of me. I had God alone. When I had no money in my pocket. I had God alone. He was the inheritance my father did not give me, the guarantee of a future provided for. Day after day, I found myself fed and sheltered, when I needed to do something, someone always showed up and did God’s bidding. Taking care of me daily. Now five years later, in yet another dark and uncertain time. I believed there was no better thing to pursue, than the hope that God had once given me. The hope that I had shelved it in my ambitions. It was time to get back to hope.

To be continued…